Hazing to prevent hazing?

A young boy walks by an old man sitting on a porch. The old man says, "Son, whatcha got there?" The boy answers, "Why, this here's chicken wire!" "Whatcha got chicken wire fer," asks the old man. "I'm gonna catch me some chickens," replies the boy with confidence. "Son," the old man scoffs, "you cain't catch no chickens with chicken wire!" The boy shrugs and continues on. Soon the boy walks back by the old man, dragging his roll of chicken wire with 3 chickens caught in the mesh. The old man scratches his head in amazement.

Next day, the young boy walks by the old man, who says, "Son, whatcha got now?" The young boy replies, "Why I got me a roll of duck tape!" "Whatcha got duck tape fer?" asks the old man. "I'm gonna catch me some ducks," replies the boy with confidence. "Son," says the old man, "you cain't catch no ducks with duck tape!" the boy shrugs and continues on. Pretty soon, the boy walks by the old man, dragging a strip of duck tape with 3 ducks stuck to it. The old man scratches his head, astounded.

Next day, the young boy walks by the old man. "Son," says the old man, "whatcha got there?" The young boy replies, "Why I got me a pussy willow!" "Hold on!" says the old man, springing to his feet, "I'm comin' with ya!"

Tommy Trojan is duct-taped. When I was in high school, mean kids duct-taped nice kids and it was called hazing. It was also grounds for expulsion. Clearly, college is a different scene altogether. Tommy has been duct-taped to prevent hazing, or so I am told.

Tommy Trojan is USC's mascot, a 15-foot tall bronze Trojan soldier. And this weekend is the USC/UCLA game. And Tommy is not only duct-taped from the tip of his feathery Trojan headgear to the soles of his Trojan sandals; he is guarded by the Trojan Knights, a group of students dedicated to preventing the pillaging of their beloved school mascot. 24/7. They fear foul play.

Really, how much harm can The Bruins get up to? Well, they have, in the past, dumped manure on Tommy from a helicopter, painted Tommy Bruin colors, dressed Tommy in drag, and sheared off Tommy's sword and welded it to his nicely-shaped Trojan ass. So, perhaps the Trojan Knights have good cause to watch and worry.

Of course, USC students aren't helping matters; all over campus, poor little bears dressed in Bruin colors are being dragged around by rope, suspended from tree branches and light fixtures by nooses, and treated to all manner of disrespect. I wonder if there is a society that protects stuffed animals from hazing...

Tommy, by the way, has been around since 1930. Duct Tape has only been around since 1942. Both are equally manly. In fact, duct tape is part of the average American male survival kit. A man is not a man without at least one roll of gray duct tape; all other colors of duct tape were created solely for women. A man's man would not be caught dead with a roll of lime-green duct tape in his tool box.

There are even duct tape bandages for big, burly construction workers who don't want to feel emasculated if they get an owie on the job. Of course, duct tape bandages hurt like a sonofabitch when they are taken off, but big, burly construction workers can handle it, right?

According to wikipedia, duct tape was developed during World War II by Johnson & Johnson, for use in waterproofing ammunitions cases. Since then, it has been used to seal just about everything; it's even cited as being an excellent gag when smoothed over someone's mouth. I'll have to remember that the next time I need to shut someone up.

To my knowledge, however, this is the first time it has been used to seal "head" gear. Ironically, most people use a different kind of Trojan for that...