Judge Judy

One of my new team members just stopped into my office to tell me how very glad they are that I'm here. Three guesses as to what happened next, and the first two don't count...

When I was done crying, I went back to work.

What the hell is wrong with me??? Must everything make me cry these days?

The thing is, I thought I had regained my composure from the Judge Judy incident enough to blog about it. In fact, I was gonna blog about it today. Now I suspect that, if I do, I will be bawling all night long. Sigh...

Ok, deep breath, one, two, three, go...

I got a citation for driving with expired tabs. I was driving with expired tabs, so the citation was justly deserved, and I don't argue that at all. However, it was by accident. See, I've never registered my own car, never had to put tabs on it. That's always been done by "Someone-Other-Than-Me." But I've survived the Year of Becoming a Woman (2006), followed by the Year of Learning to Do Things Myself (2007). One of those things was renewing my tabs and then actually putting them on my car.

Of course, when the tabs magically appeared in the mail, I thought, "Hm, I don't recall renewing, but whatevs." And I then nervously applied them to the license plate of my car, feeling immensely proud of myself. "I'm a BIG girl now!" I said to me.

Yeah...no. They were Jody's tabs. As a result, Jody got cited for driving with expired tabs ($200 citation), then six months later I got cited for expired tabs (another $200 citation).

Oh, this begged to be explained. So, I elected to "plead my case." I was sent the paperwork to do so in writing, if I preferred, and a court date, if I wanted to do so in person. Not a freakin' chance, I thought. Writing it is. Except I never wrote out the explanation and mailed it, so I was left with no option but to go to court or a warrant would be issued against me.

"Fine," I thought. "Just how bad can going to court be?" The answer is bad. Really, really bad. Especially if you have social anxieties and get assigned the Judge-From-Hell.

I sucked it up. I went to court. I sat in the back hands folded neatly in my lap and breathing calmly. The judge came in. She looked nice. She talked about mitigating (explaining extenuating circumstances) and transferance (electing to pay a flat $100 and the charges will drop off the records if no other infractions occur in a year). I'm reasonably confident she will reduce my charges when she hears my story, so I determine to mitigate when it is my turn.

She calls the first name. No one responds. She calls the second name. No one responds. She calls the third name a bit snappishly, and a woman stands and makes her trembling way to the front where the judge instructs her to sit and speak into a microphone. Huh? Our voices are gonna be broadcast to the entire room??? I feel a little vomit in the back of my throat.

The woman is there for the same reason as me. She explains that she went through a messy divorce and just fell behind on some things. The judge asks her if she has her current registration and the woman shakily replies, "No." The judge barks, "Well, why not? Is it in your car? GO GET IT!" I'm thinking, shit, my current registration is in my car. I can't leave, though, cuz she calls your name once AND THAT'S IT.

The woman races to her car. The judge calls another name. No one responds. The judge is not looking so nice now, she is looking a little like Queen of the Dragon Clan. There are little wisps of smoke coming out of her mouth as she barks another name.

A man this time. He says he doesn't doubt the officer who cited him for running a stop sign, but there was a car in front of him so he doesn't really see how he could have run the stop sign. His excuse sounds lame to me, and the judge is apparently of like mind, so she refused to reduce his fine, and he starts to speak and she says, "Mr. Blah, you are interrupting me, don't do it again." And he says "Ok," just as she starts to say something, and she says, "Did I not just tell you not to interupt me again? And you did it. Fines stand, you are dismissed."

Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

The first woman comes back in. The judge tells her to give the registration to the clerk. The clerk hands it to the judge. The judge reduces the woman's fine to $110 and calls another name. Another no show, and now she is pissed. There are flames and her eyes are glowing red.

She calls my name and I stand, willing myself to not throw up. I step into the aisle and start the long approach to the dragon lair. I have some strange sort of tunnel vision and I am certain she can see the sweat on my brow.

The door opens behind me and a little round woman barrels through and heads straight for the judge. The judge stops her in her tracks with a look and a growl, "WHO are YOU?" The woman replies in what vaguely resembles english. The judge asks her why she wasn't there earlier, tells her "I CALLED your NAME." The woman has no sense whatsoever of the danger she is in; in fact, she is bullishly making her way down the runway. The judge apparently desides the quickest way to get this obnoxious woman out of her court is to let her have her say. The woman sits down and tells the judge she didn't know, blah, blah, blah, and the judge looks straight at her with those glowing red eyes, and says, "Ma'am, I am reading here that this is the third time you have been cited for this infraction. The fine stands. You are dismissed." Then she belches a spurt of flame for good measure.

The woman stands and continues towards the judge and clerk, and the judge commands the woman, "MA'AM YOU WILL LEAVE THE COURTROOM IMMEDIATELY!" The judge then stands and says, "Court adjourned."

Huh, what?? But, but...

I stand and take a wobbly step forward. The red eyes fix on me. "Who are YOU?" she says. And if I hadn't been scared shitless, I might have replied, "Why I'm Dorothy Gale, from Kansas, and this is my dog, Toto." But I am scared shitless, so I open my mouth and squeak out my real name, and she barks "WHY DIDN'T YOU RESPOND WHEN I CALLED YOUR NAME???" I motion behind me at the door through which the woman came and say, "I did, but that woman walked in right then." "IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE I AM AWARE YOU ARE HERE!" she growls.

So I do the only sensible thing and burst into tears. This sooooo does not please her. "MAAM, WHY ARE YOU CRYING. YOU ARE HERE FOR EXPIRED TABS. I SEE NO REASON FOR CRYING." This of course calms me immensely. NOT. I try to speak. I try to tell her that I've changed my mind, that I don't want to explain my circumstances. What comes out is something like "I ee wu ee awwwww!" "MA'AM, I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU. SPEAK UP! SIT DOWN! STOP CRYING!" And I reach wayyyyyyyyyyy into the depths of my soul and pull out every ounce of courage I possess and open my mouth and squeak, "I (sob) just (sob) want (sob) to (sob) pay (sob) my (sob) ticket." And "ticket" comes out about sixteen octaves higher than planned, which apparently really, really bothers a dragon's ears, and so she refuses to let me off the hook. "MA'AM, YOU CAME HERE TO EXPLAIN YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. SIT DOWN AND TELL ME WHY YOU WERE DRIVING WITH EXPIRED TABS." I sit, I wipe my eyes and nose, I take a deep breath and I whisper into the microphone, "I put the tabs on the wrong car." And the effort of speaking those eight words completely and utterly exhausts me and I burst into a fresh bout of hysteria.

"DO YOU HAVE YOUR RENEWED REGISTRATION WITH YOU?" Oh, God. I am gonna be dragon-broiled steak now. I shake my head and mouth, "it's in my car." "GOOOOO GETTTTTT ITTTTT!" She booms. Dorothy had nothing on the speed at which I exit that courtroom. I sob all the way to my car. A little voice in my head says, get in and drive away, forget about the fucking ticket, jail cannot possibly be that bad.

I start pawing through my glove compartment. I cannot find the registration. I find two, but I can't tell which one is the current one. I see a date, 2007, I can't even remember when 2007 was. I have no idea what I am looking for, but I have found my voice. "Oh God, oh God, oh God." I grab everything that looks like a registration certificate and I scurry back to the courtroom and hand all of it to the clerk, who calmly extracts a single soggy sheet and hands it to the dragon. I sit down, I am now breathless and sobbing. I am praying I don't have to speak again, cuz I know I left my voice in the glove compartment.

The judge looks at me. "Ma'am," she says, "first I would like to apologize for barking at you." Huh, what? Wait! Where'd dragon-lady go? "I realize that you were indeed approaching the bench when I called your name. I also understand your anxiety, and barking at you clearly didn't help. I apologize.

In the future, if you should need to mitigate a ticket, I would encourage you to do so in writing. If you find you need to come down to the courtroom, let me know in advance and I will put you last on the docket and clear the courtroom so it is just you and me.

I see here that you've lived in this state for 27 years, with no such infractions in the past. I'm dropping the charges, you are free to go." I sit there. "Do you understand? I'm dropping all charges. You may leave."

And I leave. I am sure someone is going to come up behind me and tackle me to the ground and cuff me for trying to escape, but no one does and I make it to my car, and I somehow manage to put it into gear, and I drive with one hand while wiping the tears that are now flowing like a river down my face, and I pull into Starbucks thinking a latte will settle me down, and the woman at the drivethrough window gives me a coupon for a free latte cuz she sees I am traumatized, and I return to work and the maintenance guy offers to paint my wall blue, a calm, soothing blue.

And I call Jody and tell her I had my day in court and she asks me how it went and I say, "Not bad. Not bad at all!"