St. Valentine was Gay

Dear Mars, Incorporated,

I love your chocolates. I love that you so thoughtfully hide a secret message inside each delectable morsel.

"Dance to your heartbeat."

"The best things in life are chocolate."

"Express what's in your heart."

I've come to rely on these hidden gems, these pearls of wisdom. When I reach for a Dove chocolate, I know I am going to feel better even before I pop the delicious candy into my mouth. I know I am going to be uplifted, inspired. It touches me that someone somewhere truly understands me.

So you can imagine my surprise when I opened my Dove chocolate this evening and read my special message with eager anticipation - "Be your own valentine."

Are you married, sir? Do you have someone special to spend each Valentine's Day with? Cuz I'm thinking only a pea brain whose physical and emotional needs are already being met would tell someone who is alone to be their own valentine.

Think about it. If you don't have someone special with whom to spend that lovely occasion, then do you really need a fucking reminder that you can always be with just yourself???

For chrissake, moron, how is spending this special holiday alone with myself an accomplishment of the goal of that special day?? Are you truly so stupid that you think taking myself out to a romantic dinner and buying myself flowers and chocolates is some sort of consolation??????

I'd like to meet the person who came up with that little pearl of wisdom. I'd like to take a fistful of these emotional choco-bombs and shove them down that person's throat.

Do a little quality control, sir, for crying out loud.

Sincerely yours,