In the Emotional Garden of Life

The eensy beensy spider went up the waterspout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain
and the eensy beensy spider went up the spout again.

Balk is one of those awkward words that you have to repeat when you say it because the listener is never quite sure if you truly mean balk or are just making chicken noises. Balk has multiple meanings but generally is intended to convey an action that is stopped just prior to or sequentially with starting. In any case, it is the interruption of an action that is germane to this discussion.

Contrary to the awkwardness of "balk," Sublimation is quite a lovely word. Sublimation is the ability to neuropathically rechannel negative emotions and reactions to horror or trauma towards more positive outcomes. The point of sublimation is to allow us to move past the horror or trauma and remain or become productive, contributing human beings.

While you may not be questioning any fixation I currently have with the word "balk," what, you wonder, is such a fancy word as sublimation doing rummaging around in the fluff of a woodnymph's head? Well, I am wondering how certain things escaped my attention when I was sublimating early on in life...

And I think I've found the answer...I balked. Quite simply, in the sublimation process, I rechanneled many if not most of my childhood traumas down pleasantly landscaped neuro-pathways with wisteria and hydrangae and coreopsis; on a few occasions, though, I stopped dead in my neoropathic tracks and refused to budge beyond the traumatic event.

Example: For years I thought I didn't want my picture taken because I was shy. In reality, when a camera comes up, I literally hear my mother's voice and see what she says she saw. I actually see something...horrible looking.

What amazes me in the midst of this epiphany is the fact that this particular childhood trauma is sooooo not worth it. This is the tiniest of emotional spiders and while I am still gonna squeal when I smoosh it, I should be able to smoosh it, no?

So I have dedicated the year 2010 to being The Year of Smooshing Small Spiders. I would do it sooner, but 2008 is The Year of Becoming Independent (I started the year off magnificently by slaying a dragonlady all by myself, how awesome is that?), and 2009 has already been dedicated to being The Year I Write Something of Value Or Something That Sells. So, put away your cameras; emotional spiders will just have to wait.

Dear God, I hope they don't grow in the meantime...