Parlay voo fransay?

I consider myself to be multi-lingual. I speak two languages well - American and English. I speak American slightly better than I speak English, but then English is, technically, my second language. I also speak a smidgeon of Spanish and (now) French, thus qualifying me for multi-lingual status. And of course I speak canadian, eh.

I have the typical haughty American appreciation for all things foreign. In America, we simultaneously look down our noses at other countries while fully embracing the lovelier aspects of their culture. Our houses are feng shui, our dinners molto buon, and our clothes tres chic. During conversation, however, "the damn Japanese are taking over our country," "the Italians can have their stupid soccer cuz we own every other sport," and "the French can't win a war to save their butts!" In America, conversation is also known as expressing one's opinion, and we do it oh, so very well :-)

Being American, I have my own opinion on foreign languages. They are, to me, full of physical characteristics. For instance, Spanish is as roly-poly as Mrs. Laranaga, the woman across the street from the house I grew up in. German is a language your tongue can't wait to expel, while Russian is so thick it gets stuck in your throat. Italian strolls along, squeezing each word like they are fresh, ripe tomatoes or the behind of a beautiful woman.

Now French...ah! Il y a une langue qui fait tant de choses, tout le bien.

French is smooth as silk. It glides through one's mouth and balances for just a moment on the very tip of the tongue before jumping off into the ear of the listener. It's like a cat; it purrs, it rubs up against our senses, it curls up in our laps and begs to be stroked. It's easy to see why French is considered a romance language. It seduces the listener even while insulting them. "Votre mère ressemble à un chien." I rest my case.

I recently determined that I wish to learn more of this lovely language. I've found a qualified tutor and he appears to derive enjoyment (or at least amusement) in teaching me. We play by my rules, though, which are: 1) You speak in French, and 2) I will interpret to the best of my knowledge without help; I am, after all, American.

It isn't surprising, then, that "You are a beautiful, sexy woman who no doubt looks good even in golf clothing" translated to something along the lines of "I watch as fat men use golf clubs for sex."

This is a fun way of learning a new language, though, so I think I will stay the course. This is American for "continue on even though failure is imminent."

Now, before you naysay me (this is American for give me your unwanted negative feedback; this is not to be confused with neighsayer, which means "person who sounds like a horse's ass"), before you say nay to this well-thought-out plan, give it a try yourself.

Without the use of babelfish or any other online translation tools, without the use of a Smart (or Dumb) phone, without tapping your French-speaking best friend on the shoulder and asking him to translate, you translate the following phrase to English. Or American. Your choice, so long as it isn't canadian.

Mon chaton est très enjoué et me fournit des heures d'amusement plaisant.