tout de suite mayonnaise

For some strange reason, I have food on the brain. While I am seldom interested in meals and hardly ever crave anything, I am especially looking forward to dinner tonight for a number of reasons not all of which are related to eating the food.

One reason related to the food, though, is that I may get to use yummy mayonnaise on my meal. According to Johnny Depp, the French invented mayonnaise; according to a much less reliable source, the Irish did. (Yeah, right, like the irish know anything about good taste; black and white pudding, need I say more?)

Mayonnaise is made from eggs and oil. It's quite easy to make, actually, which is why Best Foods and Kraft don't charge a lot for it. It's cheaper to buy, though, which is why Americans don't make it.

However, if you should feel a fit of culinary endeavoring coming over you, you really only need a few simple ingredients and one hand-operated cooking utensil to make your own mayonnaise.

Assemble:
a whisk or fork (if you do not have a whisk or fork, you may also use an electric mixer, blender or food processor; this will significantly add to the cost of the finished product, however, another reason Kraft and BF get the biz)
mixing bowl (if you don't have a whisk or fork and are using an electric mixer, blender or food processor, you won't need a mixing bowl. If you need a mixing bowl but don't know what that is, you can generally find mixing bowls one aisle over from the mayonnaise aisle at your local grocery store)
1 egg yolk (find a chicken that lays only yolks, a tad bit tricky but worth it as such a chicken will surely make you rich, and you'll save time when making your own mayonnaise. If you can't find such a chicken, you'll have to separate the egg white from the yolk, done by cracking the first egg over a glass or bowl and allowing the white to run over the jagged edges of the broken shell leaving a puddle of yummy yellow yolky goodness in the bottom half of the poor dead chickie's now-broken home. That this separation process is a bit tricky will likely result in the need to repeat this step with a new egg until you've either used up all the eggs in the house or successfully segregated the cholesterol-laden white from the golden glob of nutritious protein that is the yolk. Throw the white away or save it for a toning facial mask.)
Oil (specifically safflower. You may also use regular every day cheap Wesson, or you can get all fancy-pants and use olive oil, extra virgin, but expect the finished product to smell a little funny if you do)
Juice of 1 lemon (save the squeezed out lemon halves if you are short on condoms and have no other form of birth control, assuming abstinance isn't gonna cut it; once upon a time, lemon halves were used as diaphrams for population control. By the way, I'm not saying they worked...)
Mustard (specifically FRENCH mustard, you are after all making a french concoction, oui?
Salt (no freakin' duh...)
Pepper (go gently here, I beg of you)

(sh! These next few ingredients are "secret" and I list them for you only because I care about you and want your culinary experience to leave you feeling as satisfied as I will be after dinner tonight...)
Tarragon (should be home grown or what's the point? It's not like anyone is gonna say, "Oh, what a delightful complement all that vegetable oil and egg yolk is to this delicious tarragon!" Seriously, half the country has never even heard of tarragon and the other half think it's a place in Middle Earth.)
Chopped Chives (I recommend you skip the chopping of chives and just crush the shit out of some dried ones you bought from the store when you were passing up the Mayonnaise aisle)
Curry Powder (YES! But just a touch or your mayonnaise will have the color of mustard and the taste of India)
The Kitchen Sink (this is anything else that may give your mayonnaise a unique signature and allow you bragging rights to say "Neener, neener, neener!" when you thumb your nose at Best Foods. Use common sense, though; cloves, for instance, would likely not enhance the taste)

Ok, now that you have the few ingredients and necessary tools to make your own mayonnaise, let's begin.

Bring all of the above ingredients/tools to room temperature. In case you missed the italics, I repeat all - including the whisk or fork, mixing bowl or electric mixer, blender or food processor, and salt/pepper, in case you typically store any of these in your refrigerator.

After separating the egg yolk from its white, place the yolk, lemon juice, mustard, salt and pepper, and any of the "secret ingredients" suggested above into the mixing bowl or electric mixer, blender or food processor. DO NOT PUT THE OIL IN YET.

(Now, you may be feeling a bit pessimista at the moment. This easy-to-make project may be looking a tad bit overwhelming. But it's ok, really. The hard part, gathering the ingredients and proper tools, is over. Seriously. It was likely just the use of all CAPS that freaked you out. Drink a little French Merlot and you'll be just fine.)

Whirl said ingredients sans oil (this means without the oil, just in case you've never heard the word "sans" used so eloquently before) with whatever form of whirling you've determined is best suited to your needs (i.e., whisk, mixer, blender or food processor) for approximately 15 to 20 seconds, then slowly add the oil
one
drop
at
a
time
whirling after each droply addition. Continue this laborious and time-consuming but extremely easy step until you have a thick, emulsified concoction that loosely resembles the stuff in your fridge labeled Best Foods Real Mayonnaise. It is important to note that over-emulsification, especially when using extra-virgin Olive Oil, may lead to a bitter taste or heavier consistency than Americans (AKA culinary prima donnas) appreciate.

That's it! Seriously, that's all there is to it! There's nothing left to say except:

CONGRATULATIONS! If you've made it this far in reading, nice attention span! If you've made it this far in following my carefully outlined instructions for this easy do-it-yourself project and if you are looking at a whitish, thickish substance that taste vaguely familiar, GOOD FOR YOU!

Wanna try making black and white pudding now? All you need is a pig (or at least its blood and body fat...).

Oh, by the way, this sort of REAL mayonnaise doesn't keep well - you will need to eat all of it within two or three days during which time it must be kept refrigerated and no longer at room temperature or you will get food poisoning and die or wish you had. (The lemon halves, however, will last a bit longer, refrigerated or otherwise. Discard, however, after one use.)