The Chicken Dance

Sable went out for her morning pee today and returned with a piece of chicken in her mouth, skin on, gizzards still attached.

Of course, I couldn't let her get away with such egregious behavior. For one thing, that might have been the neighbor's dinner. More important, that might have been the neighbor's attempt to poison Sable! So I mustered a stern look, held her collar firmly and pointed at the ground. "Drop it!" I said around my Tigger toothbrush.

And she did.

I was stunned with the awesomeness of my own power to command! Full of a new and unfamiliar mojo, I turned and squashed a HUGE spider on the door while shouting IDON'TWANTTOSPEAKTOYOU!!

Ok, the spider part is a lie, but I did go inside and squish a flea on Beastie Boy. I am Master of My Own Domain.

Speaking of chicken, I was a bit miffed with Safeway a couple weeks ago. I went to the grocery store to purchase two chicken thighs. Safeway is apparently my mother now, and has determined I am too fat. They had an entire case full of 4- and 6-packs of skinless chicken. The only way I could get a piece with the skin still on was to purchase the economy pack. I didn't want 12 pieces; I wanted 2 pieces. So instead, I went over to a friend's house and had KFC :)

KFC is not my mother. KFC is the grandparent who stuffs chocolate chip cookies in your pocket when mom isn't looking. There is nothing at KFC that is low in fat. If there is, it's not their best seller and people are only pretending to like it.

I seldom read the internet "news." Today, however, my attention was caught by the topic, "9 conditions your body can fix itself." Now, we have a few hypochondriacs in our family, so I thought a quick read might be beneficial.

Did you know that you should do nothing for a fractured skull? The article says you don't need to do anything for a fractured skull unless there is bleeding or the skull is out of alignment.

So I'm thinking, if I suffer a blow to my noggin, I'm likely not going to be in the best position to determine if the skull is out of alignment or if there is bleeding under the fracture. I would want my doctor to make that call, that's what my company pays him the big bucks for. Or does the author of this article not consider going to the doctor doing something?

The other nine conditions include a sheared off nail (no freakin duh) and blood coming from your penis. Hm. If I'm a guy and I haven't just had sex with a menstrating woman, I would be inclined to call the nurses' hotline on that one, but what do I know? They say the condition often follows sexual exploits that are a bit too, er, vigorous, and they recommend a good night's sleep and to be a little more gentle next time. I'm thinking if you romped so vigorously it caused you to bleed from your penis, you are likely going to have an excellent night's sleep regardless of blood dripping from the end of your knob.

Food poisoning also made the list. They say in the article to expect a wave of vomiting and three or four hours of diarrhea. They note that, while inconvenient, the first couple of hours of diarrhea "are your friend." Yeah, no thanks.

Speaking of food poisoning, be careful when preparing chicken. If you don't already do so, you'll want to always prepare your chicken last when using the same utensils - cut vegetables first, in other words. And thoroughly wash your cutting board and knife when you've used them to prepare chicken. This is not the time for a quick rinse.

Unless, of course, you want a "new friend."

CHICKEN PICCATA WITH LEMON AND CAPERS



Ingredients:
6 to 8 chicken breast halves, boneless, no skin
1/2 cup flour
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
1/2 teaspoon paprika, or to taste
3 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup chicken broth or water
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
6 to 8 thin slices of lemon
3 tablespoons capers (optional)

Preparation:
Put chicken breasts between 2 sheets of waxed paper or plastic wrap; pound to flatten to about 1/4-inch. In a shallow bowl, combine flour, salt, pepper and paprika; dredge chicken breasts to coat well.

Heat butter and olive oil in a large skillet. Sauté chicken breasts in batches,
about 3 minutes on each side.

Drain off all but 2 tablespoons of fat. Stir in chicken broth, scraping to loosen browned bits. Add lemon juice and heat through. Return chicken to the skillet with the lemon slices; heat until sauce thickens. Add capers. Serve with your favorite pasta and a green vegetable.

Serves 6 to 8.