The HAPPY Haunted Forest my ass...

We went to a haunted forest; don't ask me why - last year I screamed from beginning to end, I cried, I shook, and all of that with my eyes closed. Yet, when the irish folksies sent out the invite to attend one this year, I took no more than a millisecond to hit "accept." I may have even said, "Yay!"

These things are now done in wooded areas to heighten the fear instinct. This one started off quite lame - 'twas done as a storybook sort of thing with plywood pages that hid small children who popped out at the last moment and said, "BOO!" Well, really more like "boo" but whatevs. It was not well-lit, so we couldn't even see their faces, if they were painted. Scary Point Factor (SPF) .00125.

This went on for ten minutes and I finally loosened my grip on the irish lad on one side of me and my daughter on the other side of me. Foolish, foolish me. That's when we came into site of a plywood castle, i.e., enclosed space. That's when I felt warm breath on the back of my neck. That's when the irish lad whispered in my ear, "Don't turn around, Vicks." SPF 125.

Now, I'm not actually afraid of clowns. HowEVer, clowns with pointy teeth and growly voices, clowns carrying axes or hatchets or whatever the hell it was, yeah, those make me want to dribble my knickers.

This clown circled me like I was prey. So perhaps I should have worn something less revealing. But still, I think this clown could smell fear, and there was a tad bit of that emanating from me.

My heart started racing, I started to breathe shallow and my mind did this sort of fritzing out thing it does when I have a panic attack. He circled and I dodged behind the irish lad; this continued until he whispered my name. I seriously thought I was gonna throw up, and my hand shot out and I shrieked two octaves above middle C, "IDON'TWANTTOSPEAKTOYOU!!!"

And surprisingly, he walked away - into the castle ahead of us. Where he went through the entire castle telling all the ghouls and goblins my name. All the way through the castle, I heard, "Viiiiiiiicky...VIIIIIIIIIcky. Come here, Vicky." SPF 1 billion six hundred forty eight million, seven hundred and ninety two thousand points.

Tilt, Tilt, Tilt.

I am officially changing my name to Jennifer. There is no SCARY way to say Jennifer. No way. And for added protection, I am dressing as Jesus next year - clowns who mess with Jesus are sure to earn a lightning bolt from heaven...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN