Speak Softly and Carry Lip Pouf

Oh, my, is life ever dull with Miss Irish around? We had lunch today, downtown, at that hotel where she did-not-fall so spectacularly last Christmas, the not-fall where no one saw her panties, oh no, not a soul. Today was equally as fun but without the crotch shot.

First, we ate prawns the size of our fists, I kid you not. One each, we are dainty eaters :) We also had sushi and tuna to melt in your mouth. We had Callebaut chocolates and creme brulee, cheese and bread loaves shaped like sheaves of wheat, and we had...

Oh, we had the most marvelous crab macaroni and cheese in the world. Guess what I'm bringing to Candlelight supper this year?

We then drove back to work puffing up our lips with special lip gloss and devising ways to use this cosmetic trick to our advantage. Swollen lips are sexy, non? And swollen tongues could get you out of a day's work. One tip, though - when you have Lip Pouf on your fingers, do not rub your eyes.

I recently attended a four-hour course on personal safety. The information presented was valuable and entertaining when it wasn't terrifying. The training involved some role playing, including an exercise whereby one of the fifteen or so women were asked to:

1. Give a clear signal to a character with suspected nefarious intent while
2. Simultaneously stepping back and
3. Boldly declaring, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU!"

Our volunteer acquitted herself in a most excellent fashion - I nearly peed my pants and she wasn't even speaking to me! After a few repititions, our instructor asked each of us, "Can you do that?"

I confidently replied, "No."

Of course, this surprises none of you. The exercise brought to mind an occasion where I failed spectacularly to ward off an aggressive male - no, not the Sting concert, and also not the Special Forces guy (for those who haven't heard the story, he picked up the chair across from me which Irish Lass was sitting in at the time and set it aside, then knelt in its place to talk to me).

No, I'm talking about The Sonics Game.

Irish Lad took me to a Sonics game and we had such a lovely time! We were sitting literally behind the reporters, where action is fearsomely intense. One reporter got his laptop bashed by a errant ball; this was inches from our noses...

When the game was over, we followed the players out (by the way, who doesn't believe in giants? Seriously, these guys were at least twelve feet tall). The Lad decided to pee and left me standing in the tunnel to the locker rooms. He'd been gone all of two seconds when I was approached by a man with suspected nefarious intent asking if I would like to be interviewed for Sonic Highlights. I gave him a clear signal - simultaneously shook and ducked my head, and took a step back.

"Oh, we've got a shy one!" he remarked and stepped closer. (Oh, I so know this! It was phase two of the role-playing scenario above, what to do if the aggressor closes ranks!!) He also stuck a mike in my face (some of us consider that and a camera to be deadly weapons), so I feel fully justified in the action I took. I SHOUTED in my loudest whisper, "NO!" Or I might have just shook my head. However, I did MOST DEFINITELY step further away...

(Oh, for crying out loud, tell the truth, Fluff!)(Fine, you old busybody.) I wasn't actually trying to step away. Well, I was, but my primary goal was really to step back against the brick wall of the tunnel and melt into the wall. For some reason, I thought a brick wall would provide suitable camoflaging and the reporter would magically no longer see me. Thankfully, the team's bouncer was watching the entire thing and reached across me in a very protective manner and neatly tucked me behind his ten-foot tall frame.

The reporter, of course, was intimidated by my fiercely whispered shake of my head and fled (or walked away, what's the diff, the battle was done and won). The bouncer released me and I managed to regain my composure before The Lad exited the john. He looked at me from across the tunnel and said, "I can't leave you alone for two seconds, can I? The answer is "No." No you can't; so why did you, hm? Same reason you did not hold tightly to Miss Irish last December, eh?"

Sigh! SIGH!! sigh...

Well, you know what? The trainer is right, I need to practice in a controlled environment where there is no real perceived threat. Course Title: Personal Safety 101aa, pre-class assignment Muscle Memory.

So, I apologize in advance if I shout at you tomorrow night, but IDON'TWANTTOSPEAKTOYOU!! Unless you are inviting me to your holiday party, lunch downtown or Candlelight supper. In which case, let me put on some Lip Pouf before answering...