"There Will Be No Survivors..."

Although the evidence I use may be controversial, my kids are brilliant. Have I mentioned that before?

Ex., last Halloween, my smallest and my palest dressed up as sister chromatids. This made me laugh no end. The two outdid themselves this year - Le Petite Pain dressed as the Bubonic Plague (above); the Pale Ail dressed as Reverse Cowgirl. I could not be more proud of their ingenuity.

Reverse Cowgirl is, of course, a position. Done properly, it has extremely gratifying results. The "cowgirl" straddles the "horse" but facing the opposite direction than would seem conducive to riding forward; in this position, the rider (and certainly the horse!), may experience quite a bit more upward movement.

It can be hard to control a bucking animal while facing backwards, but not to worry - such out-of-control behavior generally results in a more deeply satisfying ride. Until the rider finds her stride, she may have some difficulty not being pitched either sideways or forward (that is, forward for the cowgirl, towards the horse's knees or feet). This is absolutely fine, it allows the horse a pleasant view and gives the rider an opportunity to caress these oft-ignored but highly erotic extremeties.

Care should be taken, though; if the "corral" is a bit small, a good bucking could end up pitching the cowgirl off completely, resulting in a bump on the noggin and possible delay in finishing the ride. A large bed or a wide expanse of floorspace should suffice; a couch can result in one or the other hitting their head on a coffee table, should horse and rider take an unexpected tumble. Trust me on this one.

Western wear is highly encouraged for both horse and rider. A hat may seem superfluous, but horses respond well to visual stimulation and the sight of a cowboy hat atop a bare back will only serve to heighten the horse's excitement over this ride. Bare-ass chaps are a guaranteed hit as well. Spurs, even fur-lined, are pointless in this position, so save them for a time when you can dig them softly into a flank. With Reverse Cowgirl, bits and bridles won't do much for either participant if used in a conventional fashion; it might be fun, though, to try them in unconventional ways on either the horse or rider.

The horse's comfort is paramount to a good ride, especially in this reverse position, so proper cinching and/or clenching is critical. Horses that suspect they may be cinched too tightly may employ a technique of over-inflating only to deflate themselves at a crucial moment during the ride. Clenching, on the other hand, helps a cowgirl secure her position and generally results in a horse eagerly rising to the occasion.

A hard ride should be followed by a relaxing rub-down, and a good night's rest will increase the likelihood that both horse and rider are amenable to a morning ride. This is an excellent opportunity to slip in a little role-reversal. Horses and/or riders that are put away wet may sleep a bit uncomfortable; a bath before bedtime can alleviate a sticky situation.

Equestrian skills don't happen overnight, and neither the rider nor horse should be too distraught if the first backwards ride is a bit rough; taking two or three nights to perfect the technique is certainly adviseable, and the horse likely won't mind the extra workout. Practice will lead to perfecting a most pleasurable side-to-side gait, even when sitting backwards.

Above all, one should remember that cowgirl and horse alike respond well to touch - before, during and after a ride and regardless of position. At the very least, nuzzling muzzles will prolong the bonding experience and leave both horse and rider willingly coming back for more.