When not in use, ALWAYS HAVE THE SAFETY ON

(LOL! He seems a bit frustrated with his inability to rein in their attention. Still, he gets points for remaining on his feet, or at least what's left of them...)

I am going to shoot a gun.

Well, not right now. Actually, not likely any time soon, although it is my birth month; I've been told that means guilt-free selfishness, and I am jonesin' to shoot a gun.

Nooooooo, NOT at anyone in particular, not even at a person at all!! For crying out loud, people; if you know me, then you know I will likely apologize to the paper target if perchance I should hit the thing.

"Why not right away, then?" you ask. Because it will take me awhile to mentally prepare myself for this endeavor. It does, of course, make a

VERY LOUD NOISE

and I can be a tad bit jumpy at times.

So...first I must assimilate. I must visualize a gun in my hand. A number of logistical questions come to mind.

1. What color should my nails be?

Should they be their usual glossy red? Or is this too morbid for a sport that involves a weapon with deadly potential? Perhaps a taupe color is more appropriate? Looking sensible rather than lavish, level- rather than hot-headed? Taupe is definitely the way to go.

2. What sort of gun should it be?

A 357 magnum? That's a whole lotta gun for someone with scrawny arms. I could, of course, beef up, but that's, like, exercise.

What about a Colt 38? Now there's a thought. This bad boy's long snout would look très élégant in the hands of a lady.

Smith & Wesson makes a revolver as well. Imagine if I was a deadly assassin and I was at some gala affair and my cover was blown and bad guys started to converge upon me and I had to slip out into the garden where I popped off my not-sensible high heels and reached to the slit in my floor-length, skin-tight fully-beaded silver-lined dress and, lifting the hem, pulled out a long-nosed Smith & Wesson with a buffalo horn butt from my white lace garter-belt holster. That would be soooooooooooo freakin' cool!

Then again, a pearl-handled derringer sounds more my size. Seriously, though, it would have to be pearl-handled to make up for its pea-shooter size. That is one girlie gun which, to me, is like having women's tees on the golf course - deMEEEEANing. "Nice shot, Alice!" Go fuck yourself.

A Walther PPK - that's very James-Bondish. And well, his new movie's coming out this month! Oooooh, I should paint my nails dark red for that!!

Glock? I don't think so, too gutteral. Browning - booooooooring! Luger? What is this, Where Eagles Dare? Guns of Navarone?

And, of course, there is a whole class of guns that aren't even worth considering during this initial visualization process. I'm no Bonnie & Clyde, so anything with rapid-fire capability is likely not a good choice. And the words "armor piercing" just make me want to cry.

Come to think of it, perhaps the pea-shooter isn't such a bad idea. Now that we are sorted on the hardware...

3. What is appropriate attire for a virgin gun run?

I'm thinking pants, definitely. The skank skirt is lovely and all, and I'm not averse to showing leg in a male-dominated environment. But some of the pups listed above have kick. Which means there's a good chance I will end up flat on my ass. And, having learned from Irish Eyes, falling even from a short distance can result in nethern exposure. Which brings me to the next question.

4. Panties or no?

Panties it is - when there is potential for wetting one's knickers, two layers are better than one...

Not to worry, folks, I have placed myself in the capable hands of one peace-loving canadian citizen who is nothing if not repetitive on the topic of guns. "We were taught safety, then safety, then after that, safety, then, how to shoot, then safety safety safety and, for good measure... safety." I don't know about you, but I feel safe.