Mommy, where did the pooh stick go?

Main Entry: pro·voke
Pronunciation: \prə-ˈvōk\
Function: transitive verb
1 aarchaic : to arouse to a feeling or action b: to incite to anger
2 a: to call forth (as a feeling or action) : evoke b: to stir up purposely c: to provide the needed stimulus for

Last week was scary, I'm glad it's over, now lets play Pooh Sticks.

Pooh sticks, of course, is the game where you and a friend each drop a stick over one side of Christopher Robin's bridge in The Hundred Acre Wood, then cross to the other side of the bridge to see whose stick emerges in the current below first...or last, makes no diff. See, the beauty of Pooh Sticks is in the lack of definition as to who wins. Does the stick that fights the current win? Or the stick that rides the current? Or perhaps the one that is stuck in an eddy and swirling gracefully just under the bridge out of sight?

Not actually stipulating what constitutes winning cleverly ensures everyone remains happy in The Hundred Acre Wood. (Now there's a cumbersome sentence and my kind of competition!)

I've had a discussion with myselves and we've agreed that we are, basically, selfish.

Me : (buttering toast) Ok, shall we put it to a vote?
Myself: Could you pass the butter sometime today?
I: (Gets up to look in the mirror) Could we get this over with? My hair is going to be all crimply if I don't style it now.
Myself: BU TTER PLEASE, geez, you've used like half a stick!
Me: Why don't you just get another stick outta the fridge?
Myself: Fine. I, could you grab a stick of butter on your way back?
I: You're the one who thinks we need to work out, get up and get it yourself!
Myself: GOD you are so selfish sometimes! All you think about it your stupid hair!
I: IF IT DRIES BEFORE I STYLE IT, IT WILL HAVE A CRIMPLE!!
Me: So? What's wrong with crimpled hair? (salting toast)
I: NO ONE LIKES A CRIMPLE!
Myself: Geez frikkin' louise, I hate this family. (gets up and stomps to fridge)
Me: PEOPLE!! WE ARE VOTING! SELFISH OR NOT???
Myself: THERE IS NO BUTTER LEFT IN THE FRIDGE. YOU ARE USING THE LAST STICK OF BUTTER AND YOU'VE PUT MORE THAN HALF OF IT ON ONE FRIKKIN' SLICE OF TOAST!!!!
I: I don't know about selfish, but SOME of us are pretty darned CRANKY. Can we take a vote on THAT?
Me: NO. We are voting on SELFISH. Remember, we were gonna determine if we need to be a little less self-centered and a little more aware of the needs of others around us?? It was one of our New Year's resolutions?
I: Can't the voting wait? I just need ten minutes to dry my hair. TEN MINUTES.
Myself: I'M NOT VOTING TILL I GET SOME FREAKIN' BUTTER!
Me: FINE! Here's your stupid butter (passes the remaining sliver).
Myself: Keep it, my toast is cold now.
I: Dammit, my hair is crimped!
Me: Ok! (puts the remaining sliver on the last bite of toast).
Myself: You should redo your hair, you have a crimple.
I: Fuck off, bitch.

The conversation didn't go as well as we had hoped. In the end, we concluded that we are mostly selfish and a little crimpled. And that we need more butter. These are the three key takeaways from that important conversation.

Now, here's the thing about selfishness - it's self-perpetuating. Case in point, if acting selfish makes you feel good about what you've done, you'll likely continue to be selfish.

If, on the other hand, acting selfish makes you feel bad about yourself, you'll likely determine to act less selfish in the future, resulting in your feeling better about yourself but with the motivation for acting selflessly based in a selfish desire, returning full circle to acting in a selfish manner.

A truly selfless act should be like dropping a Pooh Stick into the water and not running to the other side of the bridge to see what has become of it. To qualify as selfless, the act should not generate any thought of recognition or other gain to or on the part of the person performing the selfless act.

I need more toast. And I think I should quit talking to myself.

Me: I agree.
Myself: Hey!!