A Toad By Any Other Name

I'm drunk AND horny, a dangerous combination.

I feel a discussion is needed on the topic of kissing frogs to get a prince. This refers, of course, to the modern-day theory that you must kiss ten frogs to find a prince, an antecedent of the fairy tale "romance" of The Frog Prince by the Brothers Grimm.

Ok, may I just point out that the fairy tale is written by someone whose last name is Grimm? This should kinda be a warning...

According to the grim bros, a spoiled princess is goaded into kissing a frog that does not keep its promise to turn into a prince so the princess dashes the silly thing against the wall at which point it turns into a prince, albeit a tad bit broken.

The only moral of that story is if you are kissing frogs to get a prince, expect to have to dash them against the wall a few times before they become of any earthly good.

But that is just a fairy tale. Here's what really happened.

Once upon a time, a stupid young prince and his mean, cruel friends were playing NOT CATCH with a pacman frog. NOT CATCH is when two mean boys toss a frog they've found in some California water drainage system at Cawthon Elementary School back and forth betwixt themselves, intentionally NOT CATCHING the frog because they are cruel and mean 9 year old boys who like to traumatize their kind-hearted 8-year old sister and make her cry.

So, there the prince was in his stupid golden crown, tossing the frog and NOT CATCHING it, when the frog suddenly swallowed the prince whole. (Yes, a pacman frog can do this, their mouth is half the circumference of their bodies.)

The prince's friends ran away in terror, making no attempt whatsoever to rescue the prince even though his spindly little legs were still dangling out of the frog's mouth.

Scared shitless, the prince's friends told their parents of the unfortunate incident. Their parents, of course, realized that this cockamamee story could be viewed with a great deal of suspicion and could, perhaps, lead the king and queen to believe they and their sons were the perpetrators of a nefarious deed against the prince, so they punished their sons for telling such outrageous stories and sent them off to the 100-year war in Iraq, from whence they never returned.

With the truth (aka, their sons) sent off to the killing fields, the families of these unfortunate lads were free to spread a more believable tale, i.e., that a spell was cast upon the arrogant prick, I mean prince, and he was turned into a frog until such time as a true princess would voluntarily kiss him, thus breaking the spell and returning the prince to his not-all-that-different-looking human form. After all, he was pre-pubescent.

Since they were Catholic, the king and queen bought the story hook, line and sinker. They immediately put out an all-points bulletin for a frog that croaked like a prince, and called off the search for a prince they feared had croaked.

Of course, the story spread and, all throughout the kingdom, girls started kissing warty frogs and getting peed on for their troubles. This is how the Golden Showers fetish began.

But NOT the POINT. Ladies, a FROG IS A FROG.

And a prince...is someone you do not want to miss seeing because you were too busy kissing a frog.