Quick! What's your name and annual income?

I've had a serious talk with my telomeres and we've agreed to disagree. They want me to grow old; IDON'TWANNA. Since that's an immature response, I win.

The irish lass has scheduled us to attend a speed dating event. The event is hosted in local bars and costs $35. This includes free hor d' ouvres. That's a lot for five-minute convos and a weinie-on-a-stick, but whatevs. The irish lass never fails to amuse, so I'm game. I will not, however, be paying $35 and participating in the actual dating event.

First, it would take me the full five minutes to stop blushing and stammer out my name. Second, I have a main squeeze and it is all I can handle. Third, I don't have $35.

So she tells me we are going to just drink and watch. I have a better idea; I say we grab a few tables ourselves and plant couples at them to play the role of never-met-befores. When the whistle blows, the newly-introduced can say a few words, then lean across the table and start snogging the living shite out of each other. At some point shortly before the five-minute whistle blows, they can jump up from their seats by table, tug their clothing back into place, pat their hair down smoothly, wipe the lipstick from their cheeks and chins and necks and exit the bar in a bit of a hurry with their "new" snogging partner.

Irish lass and I can stay behind to hand out business cards and flyers advertising our "next" speed-dating event. I think we would get a significant number of responses with this technique. At $35 a pop, I'll be able to afford cable again in no time!