Identity Crisis

I am flummoxed. Me and myself are not helping.

Me (buttering toast): What's the matter now?
I: The trainer said I have 1% too much body fat.
Me: (I coulda told you that)
Myself: So? It's ONE PERCENT. Trust me, that's nothing.
I: Oh, yeah? Nothing?? Well, she circled OVERWEIGHT on my scorecard.
Me: Dude, maybe you should go easy on that chocolate syrup.
Myself: Shhhhhh! You're not helping.
Me: What? I'm just saying! Save some for the rest of us!
Myself: Why do you care, anyway? Monkeyboy doesn't seem to mind.
I: Well, he will when he hears about the quiz I took today.
Me: What quiz?
I: To see how feminine I am!
Myself: Oh, geez. Please tell me you didn't take one of those stupid Facebook quizzes...
I: Yes. Yes I did. And you know what? I only took it cuz I thought for sure I would ace it.
Me: hahahahahaha! That was a mistake...
I: Hey! I think I'm pretty damned feminine, but I am not so feminine I can't kick YOUR ass!
Me: Really? Think you can with that extra fat weighing you down?
I: Fuck you! You're even LESS girlie than me! You still climb trees!
Me: Yeah, so? That's called "exercise," and you should try it sometime!
Myself: Guys!
I: I AM NOT A GUY!!
Myself: Well, there was that one quiz - you know, the one that said you looked like Carlos Santana, Charles Darwin and Robert Ludlum? All guys...
I: IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUBOTH!
Me: Oh, for cryin' out loud. How the hell did we get stuck with this bitch?
Myself: See? She thinks you're a girl! Look. Facebook quizzes are for morons. There's even one called How Much of a Moron Are You. The first question is, "How often do you take facebook quizzes?"
Me: You took that quiz, didn't you? What is wrong with the two of you??
I: I can't help it! I don't know who I am anymore!!
Me: Well, maybe if you stopped talking to yourself, you'd figure it out. In the meantime, shouldn't you be going to the gym or something?
(I throw butter at me)
Me: You throw like a girl...