Once bitten...

The subject of vampires has come up a coupla times this week so, even though I don't believe in vampires except in the month of October, this seems a good time to remind everyone of the facts about vampires.

First, vampires don't show up in mirrors or photos. If you take a photo of someone and they don't show up, you should likely avoid being alone with them.

Second, vampires can suck blood from anything, except perhaps a turnip. But (and this is big) they prefer human blood. Cow, pig, chicken blood - these are like them eating vegetarian - there isn't enough protein in other animals to satisfy a vampire's dietary needs and they will look anemic. Also, it makes them cranky and no one likes a cranky vampire.

Now, if you DO believe in vampires, you should keep some things in mind. For instance, if (as I was telling monkeyboy the other day while trying to determine if the left side of his neck or the right was more desirable), if you sleep on the second floor or higher and you hear a little tap-tap-tap on your window, and you go to the window and open the curtains, and there is what appears to be an anemic looking individual standing on nothing but air, do not open the window. Vampires cannot come in unless invited, but they are tricky and you may implicitly be inviting them in simply by opening the window if your smile is congenial enough.

"But what," you say, "if the person outside is legit, a friend or perhaps a close relative?" Let's just agree, ok, that if they are floating in air, they are not your friend anymore.

Also, even if they understand your opening the window was not intended to convey an invitation to enter, vampires have hypnotic eyes and they are quite adept at mesmerizing their victim into a state of vertigo causing the hapless chap/chick to fall forward across the threshold, in which case no invitation to enter is necessary, a vampire is quite strong and can easily hold his/her "meal" with one hand while maintaining a levitational state, a vampire's way of walking and chewing gum at the same time so to speak.

Keep in mind, though, that you are under no obligation whatsoever to look outside when hearing tapping sounds on your window pane. If the sound is coming from something outside, it isn't inside because it's clearly unable to get inside, hence the tapping. My strong advice to you here is to leave the curtains closed and add one extra layer of protection by burrowing deep under your covers - covers have magical powers, all covers, even the thinnest sheet.

A bite from a vampire does not kill you; it doesn't even make you a vampire. In fact, it's only when they backwash that you run the risk of becoming a vampire yourself. And modern day bloodsuckers aren't really all that interested in turning folks into vampires themselves anymore; population explosion, resource depletion, blah, blah, blah. What they would prefer is to suck your blood and leave you alive for perhaps another meal another day.

If you didn't know, your blood - specifically, red blood cells, which is what the vampire is after (white just leaves them feeling nauseous and unsated) - breaks down when it gets old, and parts like the iron are reused while other parts are expelled through your bile. Vampires are not interested in the old blood that is being eliminated from your body; they need the iron and oxygen contained in new, healthy red blood cells, which is why they need to suck blood from living organisms and not from dead ones. So, if you are dead, you can stop reading this, you have nothing to fear except perhaps necrophiliacs and graverobbers.

Re: Blood types, the ultimate blood to a vampire is O-neg. It is like the Filet Mignon, the center cut, the Prime Rib of blood. Some vampires prefer A, some B, some pos., some neg., but all vampires like O negative, and most like O+ nearly as well. This is because we Os have no antigens. Antigens are anathema to a vampire.

Wearing garlic around your neck is just stupid. No vampire is afraid of a bulb of garlic or even a garland of the pungent parsnip. Garlic is only beneficial in these instances if it is in your bloodstream. If you are using this method to repel vampires, you need to ingest it...in huge quantities. Monkeyboy is quite heavy-handed when cooking with garlic, he takes our safety seriously.

The reason vampires don't like garlic-infused blood is because garlic is a naturopathic antibiotic. In fact, taking 3 to 5 cloves a day (you can cut the cloves into tablet-sized pieces if you are averse to swallowing them whole) will ensure a vampire thinks twice about sucking your blood, thus reducing the chance of backwash. Garlic can also be mixed with honey for an effective cough syrup and, steeped, it helps with earaches and other cochleal sorts of infections.

Basically, when a vampire sucks too much garlicy blood, he/she loses his/her keen sense of hearing as well as the well-honed sense of taste/smell; these are essential to a vampire's survival, so clearly not a good thing. Also, vampires are extremely insecure and, if they eat too much garlic, their friends will refuse to party with them due to the effluvient nature of the beast.

Now, a couple extra bits for free. Vampires are not up during the day. It isn't just that they cannot touch sunlight; they are nocturnal creatures. They are asleep, hybernation-style during the day; they are not in a (day)club with heavily shrouded windows dancing and drinking and having sex on counters and tables and couches as commonly depicted in modern day film. They sleep like the proverbial dead during the day, and they rise when the last ray of sunshine disappears over the horizon (which totally sucks for people who live where the sun is down for six months at a time, and which also explains why the human population in those places is low, eatin's good up there for six straight months).

Also, IF you hear a tapping and IF you open the curtains and IF the cause of the tapping is the long, tapered-but-grossly-chipped-and-dirty fingernail of a person dressed in black and balancing upon a broomstick, you're up shit creek without a paddle - witches are not bound by the same rules of propriety as vampires; witches can come in without asking and can actually just cast their spell straight through the glass pane while sitting in comfort on their broom. Spells can even penetrate magic covers, so no help there either.

And lastly, no worries about zombies if you live on the second floor or higher - zombies cannot levitate. So, unless they are already inside your house, you don't have to worry about them tapping to be let in. On the downside, they can actually smash through doors and walls and they don't mind a bit o' garlic taste, it actually tickles their undead tastebuds...