The Conceptualization of Vagina Prick

My mother is Siamese, born and raised in Bangkok. It is said she once touched the Emerald Buddha, a story I sincerely believe because my mother must touch everything. In fact, my father says it's how I "came into being."

My father is Scottish, Hebridean really. He says very little and none of it comprehensible. He is said to have touched my mother in "that special place." She neither confirms nor denies the story, claiming I was the result of "divine intervention."

As with most religious icons, the Emerald Buddha is a bit of a fake. Not emerald at all, it is made from the most common and imperfect form of silica, green jasper. Emerald is one of three precious stones, those being diamond, ruby/sapphire and emerald, while jasper barely makes the semi-precious list for a variety of reasons.

In fact, the most valuable thing about the Emerald Buddha is actually his wardrobe consisting of three pair of golden garments. It is the ceremonial changing of these garments that led to my mother's indiscretion.

You see, my mother had been suffering some strange pangs in her lower abdomen which proved to NOT be pregnancy, worms or the avian flu. She suspected she might have developed a kidney stone wrongly attributed to the huge quantities of milk she consumed when more likely it was due to her indiscreet lifestyle of fooling around with every tom's hairy dick.

In any case, she had a pain in her lower abdomen and, being a naturist as well as a naturalist, she looked to a homeopathic remedy for her bellyache, i.e., rubbing jasper on her bare naked belly.

(Seriously, my mother will rub anything on herself. It's absolutely disgusting the things she comes up with. In fact, she once...oh, never mind...)

Not being one to do things in half-measures, and living as it were near perhaps the largest piece of polished jasper, she planned accordingly and determined to mount the Emerald Buddha. This being her grand plan, and her tummy issues having coincided with the first waning of the lunar month of November, she made her preparations to approach the green deity during the ceremonial changing of his summer to winter garments.

The Emerald (Jadeite) Buddha's clothing is changed three times a year by either the King of Siam or a representative of his kingship, corresponding with the changing of the seasons, spring, summer and fall (really, dry, rainy and cool). The ceremony is brief, the clothing is heavy, and there is no room for surprises when changing the garments. My mother's intrusion upon this sacred ceremony certainly constituted a "surprise," especially considering the method by which she chose to mount the statue and the position she was thus discovered in.

Needless to say, there was some strong language followed by the dropping of one set of royal garments followed by more strong language followed by a misstep upon the other set of royal garments followed by even stronger language and a bit of caterwauling.

Well, the rest of the story is rather dull. My mother's pain ceased, and a representative from the King informed her parents she was no longer welcome on palace grounds. Since the emmissary carried a very large and curved sword, my mother and her parents determined she should perhaps relocate to another country which led to the fortuitous meeting with my irascible father.

There is one inconsistency in this little bit of family history that is quite often debated - my mother claims that, during her session with the buddha, he spoke to her and I was begotten. Her parents claim she was always one to stretch the truth and my da's habit of tom-cattin' had more to do with it than any touch of divinity. The king's legal representation has steadfastly refused to either confirm or deny any part of the story or subsequent allegations. Needless to say, the Emerald Buddha remains unavailable to speak on his own behalf or to take a paternity test.

My father, however, is dogged in his support of my mother's version - he claims, adamantly so, offering me as evidence, that my mother is quite capable of making even the hardest substance beg for something he laughingly calls "mercy."