Check Yourself

A few months ago, I saw Due Date, the movie with Robert Downey Jr., and can I just say, yum! Not the movie; it was okay, but Robert Downey Jr. is one steamy cup of HOT STUFF.

He plays a successful man with anger management issues who is trying to get from Atlanta to L.A. in time for his pregnant wife's scheduled c-section. In the process, he has the misfortune to meet, and consequently get stuck with, Ethan Tremblay (Zack Galifianakis), an aspiring actor with no visible talent and an annoying habit of annoying others. This doesn't bode well for someone with a quick temper.

The movie is funny, although predictable. The lesson learned, of course, is that what doesn't kill us either makes us better or drives us crazy to the point of wanting to kill it in return.

RD Jr, as you may be aware, has some real-life experience on the topic. Drugged out to the point of jeopardizing his career, his happiness, and potentially his life, Downey checked himself pre- or mid-wrecking, and is living a much cleaner and happier dream. And he's back to acting, thank the good lord in heaven!

There is a scene in the movie, a pause really, where his talent comes through crystal clear. In the men's room of a rest stop, bloodied and torn and sporting a very chic wristwrap similar to a certain irish lad's, Downey challenges his travel companion to act. As the wannabe actor begins his scene, miserably failing, the camera captures in a matter of seconds a myriad of emotions on Downey's face. First disgust, then impatience, puzzlement, disbelief, acknowledgement and finally, chagrin and shame. For, in a moment of despair, this wannabe actor manages to tap into a hidden well of talent stemming from painful reality, emotions that bring the scene to life.

And Downey's character recognizes that the pain this man is portraying is indeed, very real, and that he, Mr. All Together, has caused it.

Tremblay exits stage left - or, in this case, through the restroom door - and sinks down against a brick wall, drained. He stretches out his hand in a pathetically weak attempt to touch something from which he can draw unfailing acceptance and unreserved love - his masturbating dog.

Downey follows and stands against the brick wall trying to understand how he got where he is -- not physically, rather mentally, as in considering the feelings of another human being. He doesn't really know what to do to make it better, but he does just that by virtue of having paused his life to try.

And...cut.

This is real life, though, not a scene from a movie where we are playing opposite Hotty McHotterson. While we may be practiced enough actors to exit stage left with a modicum of dignity when we are bleeding inside, we don't leave the stage to join the after-show party. We slide down that brick wall, drained and confused, having lost our bearings, and we stretch out our hands to touch something we hope will provide comfort and center us again.

The irish lad once told me that, when he blunders and says something that causes someone pain, he often doesn't apologize or recant because he thinks it won't really do any good, he can't take back the hurt he's caused. So he jokes it off instead, and thinks this will ease the pain or at least the discomfort of an awkward moment.

In real life, an apology is as good as a dog, and it has infinitely more power than a canine metaphor to start the healing process. When we are sitting against that brick wall, drained and numb, we are comforted when the cause of that pain comes and sits with us and tries, perhaps clumsily, to make amends. It means something to us that they take the time to suffer the same inconvenience and awkwardness of a hard cement floor in a spirit of shame and ignominy; this goes a long way to helping us find our way back from the lost place we've suddenly been transported to.

We are human and strangely clumsy for such a surefooted animal. We are going to hurt people, and we are going to be hurt ourselves. In that moment, though, it's helpful to remember who the lost one is and give them our hand to help them stand back up and get pointed in the right direction. It's up to them whether they take the steps to head that way.

We can, of course, take the attitude that everyone is responsible for their own happiness, and what doesn't kill us makes us better, but come on. Be adult. Be the best of humanity. Interrupt your regularly-scheduled program, pause your life, take the time to exit the restroom and stand or sit against an uncomfortable "brick wall."

Learn the art of reparation. While it may not get you the lead role in an upcoming movie, that willingness to be vulnerable for a few seconds will earn you the respect of someone who matters more than anyone else...yourself.