LOVE the pillows

Me: SERIOUSLY?? You're gonna tell me to be quiet? You snore like a friggin' FREIGHT TRAIN!!
Myself: Snoring is a natural part of the sleep rejuvenation process. What you were doing wasn't.
I (entering the room): Hey!! What's all the yelling about?
Me: WhatEVs!! So you can wake the dead, but I can't make a little...happy noise in the headroom?
Myself: Not while we share the same head!
I: GUYS! WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON??
Myself: She's been fantasizing again!
Me: I can fantasize ANYTIME I WANT.
I: Oh, God...
Myself: I don't give a RAT'S ASS if you DO! But keep it the fuck DOWN!! We DON'T want to hear it!!
I: Guys...
Me: NO!! I'm a member of this headhold, too!!
I (with hesitation): I really shouldn't get involved...
Me: Then don't! You'll just take HER side ANYway.
I: You don't know that.
Me: Yes I do.
Myself: It's true. You will.
I: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
Myself: You will when you hear the fantasy, Pollyanna.
I: Do I have to? Can't I just walk away like I never came in?
Myself: NO!
Me: YES!!!
I (with a heavy sigh): Fine. What's this all about?
Myself: TWO GUYS. She was fantasizing about doing TWO GUYS at the same time.
Me: So?
(I inhales deeply)
Myself: AND her hands were tied and she was wearing a blindfold!
I (looking pained): God, I'm such an idiot sometimes.
Myself: One was putting it there (pointing) and the other was putting it there (pointing).
Me: HEY! She doesn't need to know that!!
I (covers ears): Nonononononono...please stop.
Myself: Oh, yes. And you do not even want to know what they were using there (pointing again).
(I looks a little sick)
Me: See?? I TOLD you you would take her side!
I: I thought we talked about this?
Myself: We did.
Me: Yes, but we AGREED to DISAGREE.
I: No, YOU agreed to disagree. WE agreed you should likely stop before we go blind.
(Me crosses arms, fumes)
I (exercising patience): Look. I realize you are the creative one, but...
Myself: Snort! Creative? Her fantasies are a bit more than creative.
Me: You know what? If you're gonna start lecturing on morality, could you at least include her in the discussion?
Myself: ME?? Why me??
Me: Honey, your fantasies may be noiseless, but they're every bit as wierd as mine.
Myself: How so?
Me: It's ALWAYS a WOMAN.
Myself: That's NORMAL.
Me: How is that normal? WE AREN'T GAY!
I: Well, actually, all women are 30% gay...
Myself: Exactly. I'm our 30%.
Me: And the fur-lined handcuffs? Hm? Is that "normal" too?
I: Fur-lined handcuffs?? Really?? What is wrong with you two???
Myself: Shutty, polly-puss.
I (visibly exercising patience): STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Myself: Well, it's true. You haven't an original fantasy in your head!
Me: Well, that's not true.
Myself: Oh, yeah? When was the last time she fantasized about anyone other than monkeyboy and missionary-style?
Me: Dude, she has chocolate on her chin...
Myself: So?
I (hastily wiping chin): I had chocolate milk last night! What's wrong with that?
Me: Yeah right. I found the Hershey's Syrup bottle on the headboard this morning.
I: That's hardly proof!
Me: And we haven't had milk in the house for three months.
I (turning red and stammering): I...
Myself: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: AND there were chocolate smears on the pillows. I'm thinking monkeyboy got lucky last night.
Myself: YOU GOT CHOCOLATE ON THE NEW BUCKWHEAT PILLOWS??
I (sticking chin out): They're his pillows! And you don't KNOW it was him, anyway!
Me & Myself (symultaneously): Yes, we do.
I: How? How do you know?
Me: The two guys doing me? Both had his face.
Myself (smiling): So did the girl with the handcuffs.
I (looking trapped): I...(dashes out of the room)
Myself: Well, at least we're consistent.
Me: Hey, can I borrow your handcuffs?
Myself: NO!!