Dead Men Tell No Tales

What has eight legs and eight eyes? Here are some clues:

It is not a spider.
It is not four people.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!! TODAY is INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY!!!!!!! All throughout the office, I am hearing "Ahoy!" and "Avast me mateys!" spoken with German, Middle Eastern, Texas and ADHD accents. We are a diverse company, no doubt of that.

Pirates, of course, have always been popular amongst the womenfolk, but their popularity rose sharply in recent years, thanks to Johnny Depp (of mayonnaise fame). They continue to hold their position as one of the most inviable job oppys, I think because there are no flourescent lights on a pirate ship.

It could also be because we visualize pirates as strong, virile (if not exactly hygenic) representations of the male species. In fact, this is the only profession where men can wear blouses with billowing sleeves and still have the girls (and some guys) swoon at their feet. Never mind that they have no teeth and likely are missing either an ear or eye or maybe even one of each. Sometimes they are even missing a tongue which, of course, decreases their popularity with the softer sex.

We take our pirates seriously here in Seattle - in my opinion, they are the only reason to put up with the crowds that flock to Seattle for the PorchLight Parade (:D My beautiful bubble gave that moniker to a Seattle tradition. The SeaFair Pirates, by the way, date back to 1949 and have been helping promote the TorchLight parade since its inception in 1950). It's actually quite fun to watch these swarthy men scrape their swords on the asphalt and scare the shit out of stuffy's kids...I mean, other people's kids.

Pirates even have their own cool songs, at least two that I know of:
1. Yo ho, Yo ho, A pirates life for me
2. 99 bottles of beer on the wall (this one is also a theme song at work; ask any admin)

Yeah, ok, pirate songs suck. If I was the doodlebug, I would whip out my Ipod and come up with a more suitable buccaneering playlist. But, I'm not so I won't. Instead, I will list some cool things about pirates.

Cool Things About Pirates:
They get to live on boats.
They get to wear as much jewelry as they want without looking gay (men) or old (women).
They get their own "Speak Like A" day.
They get to say poop (deck) all day long!

(Now, for those of you who still haven't guessed the answer to my riddle, read this next section carefully.)

Pirates actually had a pretty sweet life if they could survive disease, starvation, capture and other hazards of the job. For one thing, they got to keep what they "found." For another, they got workman's comp. Really they did!

Pirates got 100 pieces of eight (equivalent to $96) for the loss of a finger or an eye. Today, you'd get $126. They got 400 P8 for the loss of their left leg, 500 P8 for loss of their right (go figure). Losing an arm was worth 500 P8 (left) and 600 P8 (right). So, if you were one of eight pirates, say, and you lost your left leg (like the other seven pirates in your crew) AND your right arm, you'd make close to a grand and still be able to counter-balance yourself as long as you didn't have to do much walking. If you and your fellow buccaneers lost one eye each, your quartermaster would have to shell out 800 P8. Total it up and that's a lot to pay for a crew that only has eight legs and eight eyes amongst the lot o' them.

(If you still haven't figured out the answer to the riddle, you sooooooo don't deserve to be pillaged by a handsome, Orlando Bloom-like pirate who still has all his legs and eyes...)

Here's the thing...we soooooooo want to believe in the Jack Sparrow version of a pirate even with the rotting teeth. Take, for instance, the buried treasure. If you've ever been on the Pirates ride at Disneyland, then you know the BEST part of the ride (besides the bayou) is when you enter the pirates cave and there is all that totally realistic-looking gold, jewelry and silverware.

(Can I just say, if I was a pirate, I would steal the gold, I would steal the emeralds and rubies and sapphires and pearls, but I would not steal the silverware. Silverware is a pain in the royal toochus to polish...)

Wikipedia, on the other hand, wants to make sure that we do not fall for this common misconception of piracy. Wiki says pirates didn't really bury their booty. They claim that "treasure" stolen was food, water, alcohol, weapons, or clothing, and that burying such items did not prove to be such an effective way of storing up for their long-term future. Hmph!

Strangely, there were not very many women pirates in the day. One is of notable mention. Some Norwegian chick became a pirate to avoid marriage. (I wonder if her fellow buccaneers let her be or did she end up performing her wifely duties instead to something that sported eight legs and eight eyes?)

Merriam-Webster defines buccaneer as (second def.) "an unscrupulous adventurer especially in politics or business."

Now there's a thought...Captain Jack Sparrow, President of these United States...