Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.Kitty spent the last two days outside. Why? Because he's too fucking stupid to walk down a hillside covered in brambles. I'm rather pragmatic about this - I figure he got UP the hillside, he can sure as hell get down.
Still, I stood on the hillside, holding DOWN the brambles and meowing like a fool. I moderated the tone of my voice so kitty heard, "Come here, pretty cat, come, there's food and heat and a soft warm blankie waiting for you inside..." but I was
thinking, "You fucking stupid cat, I hope the coyotes eat you, I truly do!"
Now, lest you think I am not compassionate, here's the thing - I'm big, I'm perched on the side of a hill of decomposing pine needles and blackberry vines, I have a tenuous foothold and ants up my pants; I am
vertical and my center of gravity is high and
towards the
middle.
The cat weighs three pounds, has tiny paws and is walking atop the blackberries with no sign of discomfort whatsoever and HE has a center of gravity equal to a low-slung Maze
frickinrati. Yet he's sitting up there at the top of the hill meOOOOWing his predicament to the entire world, loud enough to wake up Melody who lives in my basement and sleeps with the door
closed and the bathroom ceiling fan
on.
And while he is
too freakin'
scared to climb down the hillside where the only thing between him and me is a soft bed of pine needles and a nice, solid BRICK, he thinks nothing of scampering back UP the hill to
"safety" which is a thicket of blackberries with thorns the size of his pea-brain head.
AND, most irritating of all, there is a CLEAR PATH from him to me. He even makes his way down the path and I grab him and scratch his ears and reassure him that all is well and he is safe, and just as I turn to climb DOWN the hill, with NO hands now to steady me, he shoots OUT of my hands and BACK UP THE FUCKIN' HILL...where he crouches at the top and looks at me through the brambles and starts his meOWing again. Then he darts back through that two-inch hole in the tangle of brambles, and I fall down the hill because he knocked my center of gravity off its midpoint when he leapt from my loving arms.
Bloody stupid cat. The sun is shining, he could be exploring the wide open spaces, but there he is, stuck in a bramble patch.
What can I say. I feel, I
act the same way. I can have a clear path, smooth sailing, and I will still try to stay hidden in the brambles. I can have a soft voice encouraging me to come hither, and all I hear is "Danger, Will Robinson!" I can have something as solid as a brick to stand on or ground as soft as a bed of moss and pine to cushion my fall, and I will likely still be too fucking scared to step off the high ground, step away from the hidey hole, and trust that the wide open space in front of me is
not going to cause me harm.
Why?
Because anxiety does funny things to animals; it places significantly higher value on safety than comfort, on remaining hidden than being exposed.
For humans, social anxiety is a normal part of childhood development; we learn about judgement - we learn to judge, we learn to be judged - during our formative years. In some 15
million Americans, the experience does not end with childhood; these lucky individuals grow to fear judgement, with symptoms ranging from acute fear of humiliation to living in a constant state of "fight or flight." We are afraid of our every action - eating, speaking, even walking. If we speak, we may say the wrong thing, trip over a word, not speak loud enough or speak too loudly. If we eat, we may make noise, we may spill. If we walk, we may fall...or fall behind. These intensely insecure feelings make us literally scared to do anything
if others are around.
We apologize for things you likely haven't thought twice about; we don't care how many times you thought about it, though - we care that you thought
once, and THAT is what we are apologizing for.
We speak softly, but think we are talking too loud. We wonder if we are being annoying or obnoxious. We feel we are in the way, taking up too much or someone else's space, slowing the group down. And we will ask you if any of this is true. Be flattered, though - this means you've been designated as "safe."
What's "safe?" Socially, we
all have
some fear. We experience life from within zones or circles of relative safety. At the center of our life, we have a small circle, one of intimacy, a familiar arena where we feel comfortable "letting our hair down." Beyond that circle is another, slightly larger one where there is some danger, where all is not so familiar and things can potentially get a little exciting, an arena of new experiences both good and bad. And beyond that is an even larger circle,
The Great Unknown.
In an individual who has grown normally through their childhood stage of social anxiety, the inner circle is no problem and may even seem a little dull. While this person may sleep in dullsville, maybe spend a day or two during the week there to recuperate, they prefer the more lively atmosphere, the challenges of that second circle for living, and may even (likely, even!) relish an occasional foray into that third, larger one of Dangers Unknown.
People with increased social anxiety, though, have a difficult time moving beyond the smallest, inner circle. This is their
safe zone. This is where they feel truly comfortable, where they can live their agoraphobic life without fear of judgement. Stepping into that second circle is fraught with all manner of potential difficulties. And that outer circle is...well, hell actually.
The truly heartbreaking side of this is we can see what's happening in that second and third circle, and we want so desperately to join the fun, truly, we do. But fear builds a very strong boundary-wall; it takes a great deal of courage and a strength of will, of determination, to cross over the perimeter. What gives us the strength, the determination, to take that step?
You.
We will do it because we've identified someone or something that convinces us it is safe to do so. If you've been designated a safe zone, realize that the person with social anxiety has not pulled you into that smaller ring; they've expanded the ring to include
you.
That doesn't mean we are rarin' to go. Our engines are most definitely not revved, we do not have one foot on the break and the other on the gas, pedal to the metal. More likely, we are buckling our seatbelt, checking to ensure the airbags are fully functional and ready for use in case of emergency, and we
would wear water-wings if we could be certain we wouldn't be ridiculed for doing so.
People with social anxiety disorders
plan ahead, which means we move towards our goal with extreme
slowness, timidity and fear.
Be patient with us. We review every scenario in our head prior to engaging. We consider potential hazards and take precautions to minimize the opportunity for those things to occur. If we cannot minimize, we avoid the engagement altogether. People with social anxiety disorders will back out of something they really, really want to attend simply because they cannot provide enough safeguards to ensure
nothing disastrous happens. They will hide in a bramble patch.
But when we don't back out?
We are so freakin' proud of ourselves.Panic disorders affect another 6 mil. If someone has social anxiety disorder, they may also have panic disorder. Panic is dibilitating. Panic causes tunnel vision, heart palpitations; panic triggers fight or flight. Panic disables the mechanism that allows us to see our safe zones. PANIC STOPS US DEAD IN OUR TRACKS.
So what's a body to do? There are drugs, and these are good. There is also strong evidence that social anxiety and panic disorder can be dealt with through cognitive reasoning. If a person with social anxiety disorder is fairly intelligent with good old fashioned common sense, and if they possess the will to fight the panic rather than flee from it, this person can overcome the sensation and function with relative normalcy. They can set a challenge in front of themselves, to step away from their narrow world and into potentially embarrassing situations. The question is, do they want to?
Clearly, the cat did not.
But I do. I want to see the sun and feel the open space.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say
BREATHE REPRISE
Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
It’s good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.
