The NOT GUS dress

What the hell was she thinkin'?

A Toad By Any Other Name

I'm drunk AND horny, a dangerous combination.

I feel a discussion is needed on the topic of kissing frogs to get a prince. This refers, of course, to the modern-day theory that you must kiss ten frogs to find a prince, an antecedent of the fairy tale "romance" of The Frog Prince by the Brothers Grimm.

Ok, may I just point out that the fairy tale is written by someone whose last name is Grimm? This should kinda be a warning...

According to the grim bros, a spoiled princess is goaded into kissing a frog that does not keep its promise to turn into a prince so the princess dashes the silly thing against the wall at which point it turns into a prince, albeit a tad bit broken.

The only moral of that story is if you are kissing frogs to get a prince, expect to have to dash them against the wall a few times before they become of any earthly good.

But that is just a fairy tale. Here's what really happened.

Once upon a time, a stupid young prince and his mean, cruel friends were playing NOT CATCH with a pacman frog. NOT CATCH is when two mean boys toss a frog they've found in some California water drainage system at Cawthon Elementary School back and forth betwixt themselves, intentionally NOT CATCHING the frog because they are cruel and mean 9 year old boys who like to traumatize their kind-hearted 8-year old sister and make her cry.

So, there the prince was in his stupid golden crown, tossing the frog and NOT CATCHING it, when the frog suddenly swallowed the prince whole. (Yes, a pacman frog can do this, their mouth is half the circumference of their bodies.)

The prince's friends ran away in terror, making no attempt whatsoever to rescue the prince even though his spindly little legs were still dangling out of the frog's mouth.

Scared shitless, the prince's friends told their parents of the unfortunate incident. Their parents, of course, realized that this cockamamee story could be viewed with a great deal of suspicion and could, perhaps, lead the king and queen to believe they and their sons were the perpetrators of a nefarious deed against the prince, so they punished their sons for telling such outrageous stories and sent them off to the 100-year war in Iraq, from whence they never returned.

With the truth (aka, their sons) sent off to the killing fields, the families of these unfortunate lads were free to spread a more believable tale, i.e., that a spell was cast upon the arrogant prick, I mean prince, and he was turned into a frog until such time as a true princess would voluntarily kiss him, thus breaking the spell and returning the prince to his not-all-that-different-looking human form. After all, he was pre-pubescent.

Since they were Catholic, the king and queen bought the story hook, line and sinker. They immediately put out an all-points bulletin for a frog that croaked like a prince, and called off the search for a prince they feared had croaked.

Of course, the story spread and, all throughout the kingdom, girls started kissing warty frogs and getting peed on for their troubles. This is how the Golden Showers fetish began.

But NOT the POINT. Ladies, a FROG IS A FROG.

And a prince...is someone you do not want to miss seeing because you were too busy kissing a frog.

A dram of friendship goes a long way

Merriam Webster defines bond as, among other thing:

1. an adhesive, cementing material, or fusible ingredient that combines, unites, or strengthens

2. a 100-proof straight whiskey aged at least four years under government supervision before being bottled —called also bonded whiskey

3. a uniting or binding element or force

A good example of the first is the chemical compound cyanoacrylate, also known as Superglue. Superglue is a fast-bonding substance that works best on fingers, but is generally used on non-porous materials such as refridgerator shelves and broken bits of fourth-grade artwork. It can be mixed with baking soda for a stronger bond on porous materials such as broken rice paddles.

When applying Superglue, caution should be taken to ensure the liquid bonding agent does not come in contact with your eyes, ears or lips. It is not an acceptable adhesive for either dentures or hairplugs, and it should not be used on cotton materials; this could result in a thermal reaction, and potentially cause a fire. (This last is actually kinda cool, although not so much if your finger has bonded to the cotton prior to combustion.)

Varying forms of cyanoacrylate epoxies provide varying degrees of tensile strength - some are intended to bond quickly while others provide a stronger, more lasting bond. Be sure to select a compound that is sufficient for your bonding needs and follow the instructions for mixing (as in epoxy) and application.

Some thought should be given before combining bond versions 1 and 2 above. Superglue may not be the best mixer for 100 proof whiskey; I'm certain the good Father agrees and would likely pontificate that good whiskey has no reason whatsoever to be mixed with anything other than your tongue and gullet.

The third definition refers to a mental state of bonding, one that generally results from shared or similar experiences, or common interests. Usually described by the words friendship and love, these emotional bonds rely on something far different than anything that can be purchased from your local hardware store, and the value of their application makes them priceless indeed.

Friendship may not be able to mend a broken cup, but it can steady a shaking hand or a quaking heart. It has only slight value when the task requires you lift a pickup off the ground, but its value cannot be measured when it succeeds in pulling a person out of the depths of despair.

Care should be given to its application, as well, however; while friendship has no boundaries fixed in age or distance, it is a fragile compound that requires careful mixing and time to cure. Friendship is not easy to come by, and once lost, is seldom recovered. Paying close heed to the ingredients that create the best bonds of friendship ensures those bonds will stand the test of time and endure the strongest pull to part.

And between those moments when its binding strength is needed, friendship offers a whole helluva lot more entertainment than either Superglue or whiskey on their own. Of course, combining all three has some interesting potential.