You mean you were diagnosed with something called a brain cloud and didn't ask for a second opinion?

Insane is a crazy word, you know? I mean, wouldn't you rather be IN than OUT of sanity?

So, I suffered a head injury recently, and I'm a little worried about my overall mental well-being. I'm not so much concerned about the pain in my ear, the continuing lack of balance, the swelling I feel behind my one good eye. No, what has me worried is a sudden onset of meanness.

STOP LAUGHING! This is serious. In the space of ONE WEEK, I've done two totally mean things and, while I felt bad afterwards, I didn't feel bad during the initial contemplation or the eventual execution in either case!

I know this is gonna sound like an excuse, but I swear the concussion made me do it.

I mean, I consider myself a pretty nice person. I'm pretty consistent in worrying about how my behavior affects other people and even how other peoples' behavior affects other OTHER people.

For instance, take the whole H breaking up with Z. Instead of jumping for joy, I was worried that she might be sad. And I worried about her weeks later at Christmas, and on v-day and in general over her birthday and...

In fact, I seldom intentionally do things that are mean or even ones that might be mean. I once played a prank on someone, and the prank went awry, and I regret it to this day. And no, G, it isn't the time I poured a pixie-stick into your glass of wine, although I do, also, still feel bad about that...

Both of these things, though, that I did this week, I thought out in advance. Actual pre-meditated meanness. AND, I fully acknowledged in my head that they were mean-spirited. Still, I did them. What kind of person does that?? Only a crazy person, that's who.

My grandmother was a lovely woman. Near as I could tell, she was nice to everyone and never said anything mean about another person that I ever heard. After grandpa died, grandma just seemed to check out and eventually was moved into a home...where I understand she took after an orderly with her cane.

Also, we had a dog once, Pongo; he was a good dog, a bouncy, curly-haired pooch that dashed, one day, into the street and got smacked by a car. We rushed him to the vet's where they diagnosed and treated him for a head injury, which he eventually recovered from. But he was never the same happy-go-licky pup.

He started snarling and snapping, and he became extremely possessive of strange stuff like couch cushions and bottles of suntan lotion. Then one day, he lunged at one of the kids in my daycare who was reaching for her bottle of juice. He sunk his teeth in the bottle, not her, thankfully, but I decided to have him put down before someone got bit and I got sued.

All because of a bit of old (grandma)/squished (Pongo) brain!

So, what if certain conditions can turn a normally mild-mannered, well-behaved woman with an abundance of girlish charm and a booty-full of innocent sexuality into a crazy-mean bitch? What if I'm just one good soccer-blow-to-the-head away from being a cane-weilding lunatic???

And? I think J's about to take matters into her own hands!! She's started having these crazy convos with me that make no sense at all. She disguises her thoughts behind a thin veneer of worrying over Sable-the-perfect-dog, but I know what's really going on!

She's thinking about putting me down.

According to J, Sable is spending a lot more time sleeping, she hardly eats and she drinks a lot, she yaps and whines, and she never listens. So what? I did those things pre-concussion!

J says she's worried that Sable might be "in pain." She says she doesn't want to put Sable down, that she is just preparing herself for that eventuality. Sable, in the meantime, LOOKS PERFECTLY FINE TO ME.

Now, WE ALL KNOW J loves Sable -- there's NO WAY she's seriously considering euthanizing Sable! She's NOT. She's speaking about Sable, but she's thinking about ME.

Hey, I'm NOT in THAT MUCH PAIN. I don't have a brain cloud, I'm not suffering dementia, IT'S NOT A TUMOR.

So, J, be warned. I'm ON to you, I know what you are UP TO. I've got a bic lighter and a can of hair spray hidden in the bathroom, and I'm not afraid to use them..

I've got my eye on you, missy...the bad eye cuz my one good eye is still a bit swollen from the soccer ball...

Who's crazy now, hm?