It was
Mrs. White in the
Study, but she didn't use the
Poison or the
Rope. She used the
Revolver. And had that tiny metal gamepiece been capable of firing a tiny metal bullet, Linda would have needed her
tiny little tweezers to remove the metal sliver from between her beautiful irish eyes. Complementos de Jody.
The evening started out innocently enough; there was holiday cheer in the form of wine and champagne and smoked salmon, chips and dip, and a 10 year old bottle of balsamic vinegar. Dinner was lasagne and Linda set aside a generous portion just for Jody. Along with one of only three homemade garlic rolls. Jody is her favorite. Was her favorite.
After candlelight supper, we opened pressies. Well, actually, first we felt them up and down and guessed sometimes accurately and sometimes wildly inaccurately, and
then we opened them up. No one seemed to like my rule that, if you felt up a gift and guessed incorrectly, it went into a pile in the center of the table. You know, like free parking in Monopoly. I thought it was an excellent idea...
Then we played games (which God knows, we
never do!). We started with Dirty Minds. Linda and I were teamed up cuz together we make up one very dirty mind, and the first clue was something dumb like "I have a stiff stem." And I said Rose, and we won our first card and eventually the first round, and no one wanted to play a second round, so we moved on to Brain Benders and I got the first one right on that too, and the second, and people were so shocked because I was completely and utterly worthless at Pub Quiz (except for pulling The Fox and The Hound out of my ass when I wasn't supposed to be speaking to the team at
all), and so they didn't want to play that game either and we moved on to playing Clue.
I hadn't played Clue in
years. Larry had
never played it. Gerry is a developer, so his mind works in detectiving sorts of ways already. Jody is like nearly a math genius, and this sort of game is right up her alley. And Linda has trouble on stairs. Needless to say, the game was concluded before it ever began.
But then again, perhaps not. For solving a murder does indeed take an analytic mind; and certainly three out of five of us possessed such a mind. But, if the murderer is
clever enough, he or she can remain undetected for more hours than an average round of Clue would normally take.
Setting the scene Our hostess sits to my left, Gerry to my right. Jody sits on Gerry's right, and Larry sits to the left of the lovely and unscathed Linda. The game begins with Larry passing up at least two opportunities to make educated guesses. First time, Linda and Jody offer him advice from either side; he thanks them and remains silent. The second time, Jody starts bouncing in her seat and Linda looks genuinely concerned that Larry may be at a disadvantage not having ever played the game.
In the meantime, I am madly marking things off on my paper. There is no rhyme or reason to what I am marking off, but I think I know what I am doing. Eventually I realize I don't, and I switch my tactics. About round six, I realize that is not working so well, either, so I switch to a third method-of-madness and my paper looks like some bizarre writing of a lunatic mind. I haven't a clue as to who-done-it, but I am a happy camper watching a real life drama unfold in front of me.
For Gerry is accusing Jody of
not rolling the die properly. Jody rolls again, again Gerry decries, and Jody picks up the die and throws it down with an attitude that says, "You and me, pistols at dawn." The die rockets past Linda and she jumps a little and goes to get a heating pad cuz her tummy suddenly hurts. I think it was actually for protection from flying die, but whatevs.
I am certain by now that I have figured out the game, and I think
Mrs. Peacock committed the crime with the
Lead Pipe in the
Kitchen. For some reason, everyone else is singularly focused on
Mrs. White in the
Study with the
Poison. Dumdums.
Every characters' piece is shacked up in the study, while my piece is calmly making its way one space at a time (cuz I couldn't seem to roll anything higher than a one; I think Jody damaged the die when she threw it across the table nearly hitting Linda) to the kitchen at the complete opposite corner of the board. Jody has now made her guess,
Mrs. White in the
Study with the
Poison. And she is wrong and she is out and she has a look that is a little scary and it is directed at Linda. Linda clutches the heating pad just a tad bit higher.
Gerry, in the meantime, is beginning to look between Jody and Linda. Jody is now cracking her knuckles. One. By. One. It is menacing, to say the least, and Linda is sinking a little lower in her chair and starting to giggle a tad bit hysterically.
Larry, who had his own method of detectiving, is calm. I am calm. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jody has badly miscalculated. I am also nearly to the
Kitchen, where I will be able to prove to the world once and for all that
Mrs. Peacock is the real killer.
The pressure is too much for Gerry; he must see the answer, so he, too, guesses
Mrs. White in the
Study with the
Poison. He looks at the confession and starts to laugh. Jody leans halfway across the table and says in a voice that is completely lacking in Christmas Cheer, "You'd better sleep with one eye open tonight, Linda."
Linda frantically clutches my arm. I am instantly bruised and wholly amazed at the strength in this scrawny irish lassie's body. Linda is not able to stop her highpitched giggle, and we can just barely make out her terrified words, "I dribbled in my knickers!"
I have, in the meantime, made it to the kitchen, where I proudly announce that it was
Mrs. Peacock in the
Kitchen with the
Lead Pipe. The entire table erupts in laughter at just how clueless I am. But I am convinced,
convinced! that Linda did nothing wrong and therefore they are all wrong, that
Mrs. White could NOT have committed the murder in the
Study with the
Poison. I mean, we each only have four cards in our hand to keep track of. And surely, if one of Linda's cards had been any of the items in question, she would have shown it! Seriously!! There's just no way she could have made a mistake with
only four cards to keep track of!!I am out. Jody is out. Gerry is out. Linda dares not guess. And Larry, who has quietly passed up nearly every opportunity to guess, picks up the die, rolls it and gets ready to speak.
And an Angel appeared unto Larry and spake saying, "Lo, be not afraid, for I mean
you no harm, only your girlfriend, if you choose this day
Mrs. White in the
Study with the
Revolver."
And so the Candlelight supper draws to a close; it is four a.m., and we have only enough energy for a couple of songs on the karaoke machine. We stumble off to our assigned rooms. And, as we are falling asleep, I hear the faintest of sounds, like a lock. On a bedroom door. Click.
