TAKE THAT STETHOSCOPE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR *SS!!

My kids like it when I get mad at service providers. They say I talk very calmly and use special words.

Jody takes after me except for the calm part. She had to call her doctor's office to get something stronger than over-the-counter allergy medication. Jody was tested for allergies as a child, and has several, including grass, dust mites and cats. Her doctor knows this and it's plastered all over her medical charts. It's Group Health, though, where they specialize in refusing to acknowledge the obvious.

She made the first call yesterday. It took her all night to calm down. She made the second call today, and I fear I am going to have to take her out for a drink after work.

"So, I called them, and the receptionist asked me if I wanted to speak to a consulting nurse (which is funny, because I'm pretty sure I called the Consulting Nurse Hotline to speak to Bozo the fuckin' Clown), and I said, "yes". And I give her my name and group health number, and she says, "Who's your primary clinic?"

So, a bit confused as to why the fuck that matters, I say, "Well, it's actually an afiliate of Group Health, and I'm pretty sure it's called North Sound Medical Center or something like that."

Even though this medical center has the words NORTH SOUND (as in, Northern Puget Sound region), she says, "Oh. Is that in Spokane?" I say, "No, it's in Bellingham." And she says, "Is that in Eastern Washington?" And I say, "No you fucking dumb whore! It's in Northern Washington."

And she says, "Okay, hang on just a second." Silence for a minute. Then, "Okay, could you hold on for a second?" "Uh, duh, that's what I was already doing!" And she puts me on hold, and then it rings again, and someone picks up and says, "Blah blah blah, how can I help you?" I say, "Well, I was talking to the stupidest receptionist EVER!, so I don't know why I've been transferred."

And she says, "Oh, okay. Well, where are you calling from?" "Redmond." "Okay, is your primary provider in a different city?" "Yes, it's in Bellingham." "Oh, where's that?" "OH MY GOSH ARE YOU PEOPLE GEOGRAPHICALLY CHALLENGED!?!?!?!" And then, in a tone that said, "I've solved the problem!" she says, "Oh, I see that we DO have a facility in Whatcom County. I'll transfer your call there."

So, I say very cordially, "Oh thank you!" And hang up immediately.

Then I call back and THANK HEAVENS get a guy receptionist, which almost 100% guarantees that it's not the same dumb ass who "helped" me before. So I give him my information and he transfers me to, not Bozo the Clown, but a consulting nurse, because THIS receptionist is at least somewhat competent.

And the consulting nurse is, thank heavens, not the freaking imbecile who "helped" me yesterday by telling me that I was having an asthma attack and needed to be seen immediately, while completely ignoring me as I said VERY CLEARLY, "I'm having very bad allergies and over-the-counter allergy medication is not helping."

And so now I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow to get tested for allergies (why tested? seriously, look at the fucking Rudolph the Red-nosed headlamp in the middle of my face and tell me I don't have allergies) and hopefully will be on HEAVY allergy medication by 10 tomorrow morning."

I told her vodka works better.

The Universe is Wackadoo

This is how much sense The Universe makes.

What's my beef with The Universe, you ask? Well, first, it didn't rain CDs in Seattle like The Universe said it would. I ended up buying Rufus Wainright myself, so now The Universe owes me $16.

Second, it told me to be patient, like a tree. What kind of sense does that make? I mean, I fully believe trees are capable of emotional control, so having patience is not outside the scope of what a tree can do. However, patient trees get cut down! Struck by lightning! Eaten by bugs!!! Why on earth would I want to wait for that to happen??

Today, The Universe says, "Fear always goes away, Vicky, once two things are realized: First, you're a spiritual being. Second, nothing can ever be lost or taken from a spiritual being that cannot be recreated. Not pride, not money, not love. Bet they'd love to have you in the CIA, Vicky."

Dear The Universe,
Let's make a deal - you keep the pride, I'll take the money and love...and another Rufus Wainwright CD.

--Vicky

PS - I'm already in the CIA. I woulda thunk you'd know that...sheesh! What kind of omniscient being are you, anyway?